A disastrous dinner

It started off like any other day of weekend cooking. We had taken a whole Heritage Farms chicken out of the freezer to defrost over a few days. When it was defrosted, I broke it down (some less elegantly than the rest) and then put it into buttermilk to soak overnight.

We stopped off at Whole Foods to buy some collards since it was the day before Easter and we thought that Dekalb Farmers Market would be ridiculously busy. We bought two bunches for $4. A sale, they called it.

I pulled a package of Pine Street bacon ends out of the freezer. One pound bacon ends. I usually use one pound for three bunches of collards but I figured it would be fine. Mistake one.

So I set to making the likker. Diced the bacon ends. Sauteed them. Added water. Added red pepper flakes. Just like usual. The full recipe. Three tablespoons of red pepper flakes. Mistake two.

I set it to cook for its allotted thirty minutes.

I prepped and washed the collards. I put them into the pot, set them to kelly green, and let it simmer an hour on low.

They look right. But they were incredibly spicy. Josh tried to add some water and we brought the heat back up. Except I wasn't watching and it boiled. And it got spicier. Mistake three. Sad day.

I made my hushpuppy batter. In the past, I remember I made the mixture, then let it rest and firm up in the fridge. Then my hushpuppies looked more like balls and less like fritters.

But I was out of buttermilk. So I made my own using some buttermilk and lemon juice. Then I used the same amount I would usually make. Mistake four.

Josh whipped up the egg whites for me. But I was doing two things at once and let them rest a bit before mixing them in. Mistake five. But I added the whites before I let the batter rest not right before cooking. I found that reference later. Mistake six.

So my poor hushpuppies. I used too much batter. They would drop in as balls and then spread out. Then, when they were golden, I flipped them over. Their soft battery insides would float out and make another hushpuppy fritter. And my original hushpuppy was left empty inside. That's how I felt: empty inside.

I added more corn meal. I used less batter. Nothing helped.

You can see the smaller hushpuppies here. They look okay, but they are gross and oily. Sad.

As for my chicken, I drained it. I generously spiced it. I dredged it. I fried it. At least one thing without mistakes. It was good.

What a sad day of cooking. Almost made me want to give it all up.